Mr. Right Does Not Exist

Newsflash: Mr Right Does Not Exist!!       

I can hear you gasp already. She’s a singles coach, she got married after 15 years of searching, she supports us in finding happiness. Yes I am, yes I did and yes I do which is why I want to us get rid of this illusion of Mr Right.

You may notice that I very rarely use the term “Mr Right” in any of my blog posts or social media posts because it just makes me cringe. The only time I do use it is to help others understand what I do in terms they are used to.

So why am I so against the label Mr Right (and by default Ms. Right)?

To me Mr. Right implies that you are searching for a guy who is the perfect package and who will fill that hole in your life. It’s become synonymous with ridiculous expectations, unhelpful fantasies and undue pressure on you to find the absolute be all and end all guy who fulfils everyone's requirements.  It turns into a fear of settling because what if this guy isn’t "Mr Right" but just Mr. Right Now who is available and willing to get married?

It elevates the ordinary single Muslim guy to the position of destiny-fulfiller, finished product and can-do-no-wronger which is a lot of hope to pile one  human being.

Yes you need the right guy but you also need to be in the right place emotionally, spiritually and mentally to receive him. It's a process and state of being rather than a miraculous chance meeting. You could be standing next to a man who is a great match for you but not be in a position to recognise or receive him.

When sisters approach me and when I work with clients very often they come to me in a state where they are emotionally and spiritually spent. They feel defeated . They’ve tried everything to find the right guy and nothing has worked. By the time sisters arrive in my inbox they have (as I did) met literally hundreds of guys, one after the other, waiting for that click, those "butterflies", that "feeling". I can hear the panic in their voices as if they are standing on the edge of a cliff ready to jump if they don’t get married by their next birthday.

By  that time the focus has become on just finding the a guy and getting on with it.

Actually the goal is to find the guy with whom you can both create marriage you desire. To find the guy who will treat you with the respect and honesty you deserve and offer him. To find a guy who will participate in an equally reciprocated partnership with you and give you the companionship and togetherness you both require. A man with whom you can grow together and accept each others' faults without judgement.

It may sounds cheesy but it's true. Take a look at your list of emotional needs from a marriage and reword it from "he must have/be able to..." to "we should be able to.... for each other".

Rather than finding the elusive Mr Right the focus has to be on growing and nurturing the perfect mental and emotional environment to receive and accept a guy who can share these things with you. To use a metaphor it's about nurturing the ground from which to grow something beautiful rather than finding a fully grown plant.

To run yourself ragged going on date after date, panicking, fretting and worrying that you might never find Mr. Right, hoping that you will find a guy who ticks all the boxes and then everything will magically fall into place will never result in anything more than anxiety, insecurity and despair..

To nurture yourself and create physical, emotional and spiritual space, to receive from a place of security, confidence and healthy vulnerability will result in something much deeper, longer lasting and fruitful with any number of amazing guys you meet along the way.

The moment you are in this place the magic happens!

Get started today on making that magic happen quicker than you can say "I'm not sure I can do this!"  Click the image below to discover more......

How To Get Over Someone

Let’s not be naïve sister.  In the quest for marriage it happens that relationships form . These could be engagements, boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships or just a very intense period of getting to know  someone exclusively. We’d like to think that we enter into a relationship and it leads to marriage but bumps happen and relationships end and we find ourselves back at square one again.

And whilst we’d love to be able to just get back on the horse and power through, find a guy and get married, the baggage and unfinished business of previous relationships can cast an overwhelming shadow over the way we approach and form new relatoinships.

I have covered the dangers of not getting over an ex proerply in a prvious blog article, what I want to focus on today is how to do that. So here are some tips to help you get out of the ex rut and start meeting and appreciating new guys.

1.       Remove the rose-tinted glasses

When you look back on ex relationships you have a tendency to wear those deceptive rose tinted glasses and think upon the good times with extreme fondness and totally obliterate the bad moments. This happens more when you are feeling down or lonely and you tend to go backwards to what you perceive was good rather than look forward to what could be better. So as negative as it sounds, do remember the bad stuff too, it will remind you why things never worked out as well as why you deserve better.

2.       Burn your bridges

If it’s ended and you are moving forward and finding someone new then burn those bridges. Delete his number, delete his past messages, delete his photos. Otherwise they act as an anchor holding you back in the past and unable to move forward without much stress and heartache. It may take time but be proactive, practical amd move forward. Eventaully you will wonder who he ever was!

3.       Use past experiences to move forward

Remember that guy it didn’t work out with who you thought was the best guy you will ever meet, so perfect for you that you thought you’d never be able to meet anyone else, so right in so many ways that you didn’t think you’d ever get over him? But you did. And you will get over them all. It might not feel like it now but when you meet the right guy you will realise why all those other guys were not him. Stop thinking of him as the be all and end all when there are so many other wonderful guys out there.

4.       Put the focus back on you

For a while your focus on been on him , your relationship and the possibility of marriage. When things end it literally feels like the end of the world because all the stuff you were occupied with no longer exists. This is when it is time to get back to you and your life and your world. The one you probably put on hold while with this guy. Focus on doing things that make you feel fulfilled, happy and content  be it retail therapy, a holiday or just a day in with a great book. Look after you and your needs now.

5.       Go speed dating!! (Hear me out on this one!)

Yes the last thing you might want to do is meet guys but the beauty of speed dating is that it rarely ends up in marriage. Going speed dating with friends is fun, it’s fast, you can get to talk to so many guys in one evening and it helps you re enter the world of single men in a way that is non-threatening and commitment free and it helps rebuild your confidence and exercise your relationship and search muscles again! Win win!

Pain from past heartbreak is one of the key factors that keeps single ladies in a state of fear and unable to truly connect to anyone new. If this sounds like you then you’re definitely going to find out how to rid yourself of whatever hangups are sabotaging your efforts. Click the button below to find out more