Today I want to talk about something that affects a lot of our singles sisters who are looking for a spouse and that is accepting bad behaviour from a potential spouse.
Note I didn’t say that the problem is the bad behaviour itself but rather the complicit acceptance of it in a bid to find The One.
As a singles coach my inbox is often brimming full of questions that begin “what does it mean when…” followed by an explanation of some unacceptable form of male behaviour.
So today I have gathered 7 of the most common questions I receive to explore just how much bad behaviour you are putting up with and why it should stop.
1. What does it mean when he doesn’t call or message you for a few days then calls you and acts like nothing happened then disappears again?
It means he’s not serious about marrying you. If he was he would be consistent in his communication with you and respect your time and efforts in finding a spouse. This man just likes the chase. He likes to feel he can catch you then let you go then catch you again. You are not trout!
2. I’ve been talking to this guy on the phone for ages but he hasn’t suggested meeting up yet, why is this?
Because he’s not ready to commit. He likes the perks of being in a relationship such as the long chats into the night, the text messages to brighten up his day and the adoration of his photos but that’s as far as he will go in the relationship field. You are not here to boost his ego.
3. I’ve met this really great guy, he’s perfect for me but he doesn’t want to get married. What should I do?
Forget him. He’s obviously not that perfect for you. If it’s marriage you are after then the man who is right for you will give you marriage. If he knows you want to get married and he’s still happy to string you along when you both know he’s not after marriage then he’s playing you like a lute.
4. I’ve been talking to this guy but he always asks me about sex and wants to talk about it even though I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with it.
If you’ve made it clear that you don’t believe in intimacy before marriage and/or don’t feel comfortable talking about it with him and he is still persisting then he has no respect for you, your values or wishes and is probably only after sex. This is a guy who wants a relationship on his terms only. Run!
5. I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months and he talks about marriage but he won’t tell his family about me or do anything to take it to the next level.
He’s not interested in marriage, only the fantasy of it. My guess is he’s been filling your mind and heart with all kinds of beautiful scenarios of what life will be like once you are both married right? But unless his actions match his words I’m afraid this guy , despite what his profile might have said, is not looking for marriage.
6. He says we can only get married if I give up my job/ learn to speak his language/ dress a certain way / give up certain friendships
If he’s asking you to compromise on stuff you don’t feel comfortable giving up then he isn’t accepting you as the person you are comfortable being. If he’s using it as a “bargaining” tool for negotiating marriage then it’s a form of control. Yes there is compromise in any marriage but if it feels one-sided and is taking you away from your identity and what feels right for you as a person then this isn’t the right marriage for you.
7. A matchmaker gave this guy my number a few weeks ago but he still hasn’t called. Should I call him?
No. If he can’t even make the effort to call a lady how much effort is he going to put into a marriage? He can’t expect to just switch the effort button on once he’s married, he needs to start from today!
Sister you don’t have to put up with bad behaviour!
You are a worthy, valuable and respected woman and you should not feel the need to compromise your self respect in order to find a husband just because you are made to feel like time is somehow “running out”.
Listen to your gut.
If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. It doesn’t matter how great he is on paper and how much your family want the match to work and how damn handsome he is. You don’t have to say yes to him or his bad behaviour.
You have the right, like every woman, to marry a man who will treat you with the deepest respect. If he’s not doing it before marriage he certainly won’t do it after marriage!