Mr. Right Does Not Exist

Newsflash: Mr Right Does Not Exist!!       

I can hear you gasp already. She’s a singles coach, she got married after 14 years of search, she supports us in fidning happiness. Yes I am, yes I did and yes I do which is why I want to us get rid of this illusion of Mr Right.

You may notice that I very rarely use the term “Mr Right” in any of my blog posts or social media posts because it just makes me cringe. The only time I do use it is to help others understand what I do in terms they are used to.

So why am I so against the label Mr Right (and by default Ms. Right)?

To me Mr. Right implies that you are searching for a guy who is the perfect package and who will fill that hole in your life. It’s become synonymous with ridiculous expectations, unhelpful fantasies and undue pressure on you to find the absolute be all and end all guy who fulfils everyone's requirements.  It turns into a fear of settling because what if this guy isn’t "Mr Right" but just Mr. Right Now who is available and willing to get married?

It elevates the ordinary single Muslim guy to the position of destiny-fulfiller, finished product and can-do-no-wronger which is a lot of hope to pile one  human being.

Yes you need the right guy but you also need to be in the right place emotionally, spiritually and mentally to receive him. It's a process and state of being rather than a miraculous chance meeting. You could be standing next to a man who is a great match for you but not be in a position to recognise or receive him.

When sisters approach me and when I work with clients very often they come to me in a state where they are emotionally and spiritually spent. They feel defeated . They’ve tried everything to find the right guy and nothing has worked. By the time sisters arrive in my inbox they have (as I did) met literally hundreds of guys, one after the other, waiting for that click, those "butterflies", that "feeling". I can hear the panic in their voices as if they are standing on the edge of a cliff ready to jump if they don’t get married by their next birthday.

By  that time the focus has become on just finding the a guy and getting on with it.

Actually the goal is to find the guy with whom you can both create marriage you desire. To find the guy who will treat you with the respect and honesty you deserve and offer him. To find a guy who will participate in an equally reciprocated partnership with you and give you the companionship and togetherness you both require. A man with whom you can grow together and accept each others' faults without judgement.

It may sounds cheesy but it's true. Take a look at your list of emotional needs from a marriage and reword it from "he must have/be able to..." to "we should be able to.... for each other".

Rather than finding the elusive Mr Right the focus has to be on growing and nurturing the perfect mental and emotional environment to receive and accept a guy who can share these things with you. To use a metaphor it's about nurturing the ground from which to grow something beautiful rather than finding a fully grown plant.

To run yourself ragged going on date after date, panicking, fretting and worrying that you might never find Mr. Right, hoping that you will find a guy who ticks all the boxes and then everything will magically fall into place will never result in anything more than anxiety, insecurity and despair..

To nurture yourself and create physical, emotional and spiritual space, to receive from a place of security, confidence and healthy vulnerability will result in something much deeper, longer lasting and fruitful with any number of amazing guys you meet along the way.

The moment you are in this place the magic happens!

Get started today on making that magic happen quicker than you can say "I'm not sure I can do this!"  Click the image below to discover more......

7 Things Single Muslim Men Need To Stop Doing!

Today's post is really one for the brothers and definitely one the sisters reading will relate to. The task of finding a spouse is difficult enough already. The most basic hope is that you will connect with someone who also desires to get married. You will meet up and see if there is a connection. If there is, great, you work on it and hopefully at some point in the near future you will be making a call to your local imam to get this marriage party started!

BUT..

Guys why oh why do some (not all! Put your ptichforks down!) of you insist on doing everything in your power to put a sister off you with these 7 irritating, inappropriate and sometimes just downright rude behaviours...

1.       Talking about sex

You say you want a halal marriage, you want companionship, you want to settle down and create a life with someone who can be your best friend and with whom you can start a family. Great! That’s that why she is communicating with you. But then you go and ruin it all by making it sexual.

Things like: asking for full body pictures, asking what lingerie size she wears, asking what sexual position she would like to try, claiming you are going to give her a big passionate kiss when you meet. And when she protests you stop talking to her or call her old-fashioned or even suggest she is making a big deal out of nothing.

No, no and NO! Treat her with respect and honour her desire for a halal marriage. Act in the way you’d want a guy to behave towards your own sister.

2.       Ghosting her

If you’ve decided that she's not right for you then just be a man and tell her. Yes you might upset her, yes she  might feel hurt (see points 3 & 4 below) but it will be short-lived compared to when you just disappear on her and stop messaging her. I know you want to be the good guy but by not contacting her anymore, it paints you as a bigger villain than the guy who just had the decency to be honest and upfront. Grab the bull by the horns and do it man!

3.       Making a decision based purely on looks

 I recently introduced a guy to a friend. The first thing he did was to ask her to send him a picture. The second thing he did was to tell her that he didn't like her looks and had decided therefore not to pursue it further. He then did this to 4 or 5 other ladies. And the worst part it, this kind of behaviour is rife amongst our brothers! I've had beautiful sisters sobbing down the phone wondering whether they need a nose job in order to meet The One because some guy has told her outright "you're just not my type, no offence".

Here’s a newsflash brother, you ain't all that yourself. No offence. 

We would understand if you were in the Jason Momoa league (*Soraya uploads a quick photo here ....mainly for her own pleasure)

but to actually tell a lady up front that you don’t find her attractive is just plain rude. I hate to burst your bubble guys but those ladies whose looks you aspire to find in a wife are pretty much made up, airbrushed, filtered and contoured to within an inch of their lives. Men and women all look and smell  like crap in the morning and one day if she is heaving out children in a maternity ward don’t expect the false lashes to be on. Yes we totally understand the need for physical attraction (we have it too) but we also know you overuse the "men are physical beings" line to justify your shallowness. Sometimes attraction grows and isn’t always obvious.  It's not always the Bollywood swept-away-at-first-sight moment for either party. We want you to understand that  and to remember that your hairline is going to recede oneday.

Just saying.

4.       Placing ridiculous demands on her

According to your requirements she should be:

  • young
  • tall
  • slim
  •  fair
  •   light-eyed
  •  university educated
  •  long-haired
  •  pimple free
  •  curvy
  •   doe-eyed
  •  professional
  •  homely
  •  sociable
  •  domestic
  •  fertile
  •  family-orientated
  •  praying 5 times a day
  •  feminine
  •  intellectually-stimulating,
  • modest
  • well-travelled.

In that case she wishes you to be :

  • tall
  •  well-built
  •  gym-bodied
  • in possession of a  full head of hair
  • large manly handed
  • earning £50k+
  •  straight-toothed
  •  an Aston Martin owner
  •  a home owner
  • a swimming pool owner
  •  a handyman
  •  a mechanic
  • PhD educated
  •  dressed in designer gear
  •  a hafeez of the Quran
  • bearded
  • a haji
  • firm-bunned
  • able to produce hyperactive sperm

Hurts doesn’t it?

5.       Being indecisive

You’ve been chatting to her for a while, if you like her ask to meet her. Don’t wait for her to suggest it or wait for the planets to align to be absolutely certain that she will say yes. And if you misread the signals and she says no, you are still going to be remembered as the guy who stepped up and did the right thing. Ask to meet her and do it properly. Don’t suggest "hanging sometime" when she is free one weekend at some point maybe possibly in the future during the moon of Aquarius. Put your ego aside and ask her out for coffee, choose a public venue and a day and a time. She will respect you for it and appreciate your efforts and even if things don’t work out she will always remember you as a gentleman.

6. Bragging about your lifestyle

Whether it be your online profile or your first date chat please quit the bragging. Especially when you are using your current lifestyle as a bargaining tool. I have heard brothers dictate that the lady he marries should be fit and athletic like him because he is into sports. Or that he takes really good care of his appearance and likes the finer things in life and he expects his wife to as well. Or maybe that he has worked hard to enjoy a certain lifestyle and he wants a lady who will appreciate that. Snooooore!! All these wonderful things you have or do? Great but they won't last forever. Honestly brothers all that me, me, me is just white noise. What will last forever is a marriage founded on respect, trust and shared values not one that fits into your current penchant for water sports. 

7. Mansplaining

Yes please do tell me how to do my job that I've trained for and have been doing successfully for many years now.  Oh and do please fill me in on my language and cultural background which you seem to have extensive knowledge of having never been to my country (I say that as a Mauritian who gave up explaining I don't speak Urdu, Hindi or Punjabi). We respect your knowledge and experience as a fellow human being and of course if there is something we would like to know about and we feel you can help then of course we will ask. The same way we hope you will draw upon our knowledge too when needed. But what totally turns us off is when you jump in to correct us and tell us how we should have done something differently or, more importantly, how you would have done it so much better and how we are totally wrong and incompetent and have zero clue about life.

OK so now there is probably a mob of single guys at my front door with pitchforks and torches ready to burn me at the stake. Any brothers reading this be honest with yourselves, have you been guilty of any of the above? Hopefully not, or maybe of one or two things. It's totally fine. The sisters just want you to be aware how much it can ruin a potentially  beautiful connection. Yes sisters have their faults too but let's all just put down our battle gear and come together to get to know each other as humans with shared goals and values. 

Why You Haven't Missed Out On Being A Mother

One of the many anxieties single sisters tell me they lie awake agonising over is "what if I have missed my chance to have children?".

It's a common fear especially given  those nosy aunties who like to wag their turmeric-stained fingers at you and remind you of a certain clock that is supposedly ticking away inside your body somewhere.

Add to that the plethora of ahadith and social media posts extolling the virtues and rewards of the mother  it is easy to convince yourself that you are somehow destined to be a lesser woman or Muslim for being without a biological child of your own.

So first I want to differentiate between two ideas about motherhood: having children and being a mother.

Having children, to me, means the creating and carrying a foetus then 9 months later giving birth to it. It comes attached with all the romantic notions of the fun and quirks of pregnancy,  interesting birthing stories and creating something that is half you and half someone else: the perfect embodiment of you union right?

Being a mother however, means something else. It means the opportunity to give a child: love, care, kindness, guidance, boundaries, support, protection, education, nourishment, shelter, empathy, sympathy, morals, life lessons, hugs, medical attention and so so much more.

Are you starting to see my point yet sister? Let me explain further..

The biological desire to carry a child can be strong especially if you have anxious parents awaiting the next in line to the family (ahem...yes you mum if you are reading this lol!). But for a lot of sisters that isn't always possible and it doesn't have anything to do with age (need I remind you of Khadijah RA who gave birth to children in her 40s and Asishah RA the youngest of the wives who didn't give birth to any?).

Some sisters do not meet someone they wish to marry, some sisters are married but as couple they cannot have children whilst other sisters may have medical problems which make it risky or difficult to have children.

Does that mean then that you should miss out on motherhood? No.

Whilst I have the utmost respect for any woman who has carried a child and gone through childbirth and do not wish to diminish her experiences in any way, I want to make the point that all women have the opportunity to have a maternal influence in the life of a child.

For some women (myself included) that comes in the form of being a step mother. For some sisters it is the opportunity to use the resources they have been blessed with to foster or adopt a child who needs a parent.

And it doesn't even have to be that "extreme". Why not get involved volunteering at a children's home or in a children's hospice? Become a mentor for a child or young adult who is in need of guidance and direction in life. Volunteer with a charity that works with children. There are so many ways to do it.

You could even take an essential role in the upbringing of a neice or nephew or the child of a friend and make a real impact. 

Having spent most of my adult life working in classrooms and as a mentor I can tell you that often the kids who need some maternal nurturing are right on our doorsteps. You don't have to look very far to make an impact.

Just because you may not have the chance to physically give birth to a child doesn't mean you should miss out on the opportunity to use your maternal instincts elsewhere. And whilst you may feel that the blessings of being a biological mother don't count for you I cannot imagine that there's not blessing and reward in having a positive impact on any child.

I refuse to believe that the same blessing bestowed upon a lady who has given birth will not be bestowed upon the woman who has fostered or adopted a child and given them a chance at life. And I doubt very much that there is less blessing in giving a child guidance and support in life which they are lacking eslewhere.

So don't be so hard on yourself sister and recognise that  those beautiful instincts and qualities that Allah SWT has granted you as a woman do not need to go to waste simply because you haven't carried a child. Every woman is already a mother to a child that needs them somewhere.

Don't let the fear of not having children stop you searching for the man and marriage you deserve. Click the image below and learn how to ensure that you are confident and self-assured enough to take that all important step no matter what your situation...

The Beginner's Guide To Going It Alone

Are you ready to dive into the jungle sister?

As a coach I often work with women who have made the decision to look for their spouse independently. Maybe the family set ups they've experienced haven't been as fruitful or the process as easy as they would have liked and they've decided to take hold of the reins themselves.

Or perhaps their first marriage was traditionally set up and didn't work out quite as they would have liked and they want to try a different approach this time.

And in some cases, sisters who have been busy doing other fab and wonderful things with their lives have decided that now is the time they wish to start looking for a spouse and they want to do it themselves, on their own terms and in their own time

Families are becoming increasing content to let their daughters find their own partner and it is fast becoming the norm that a sister will go home and let her parents know she has found The One much to their delight (or in the case of my parents, relief!!)

However, whether you are one of those courageous ladies who has  decided that you are ready to get into the driver's seat and tackle this head on  or you are a seasoned sole searcher  let me offer you some 5 of my most practical tips for going it alone:

1.       Widen your search options

Like most of the professional women I work with you are used to having a plan and getting things done and ticking off to do lists. Unfortunately this same approach can have a negative impact on your search. Often sisters approach the process armed with an extensive (and exhaustive) checklist of their exact specifications in a guy which leads to disappointment when, inevitably, you don't find the 6 foot 2, Barrister who from your home town who owns his own home and loves chick flicks and performing arts!

Whether you are searching online or through friends , in order  to meet a wider range of guys and get a better understanding of the kind of guy who could be  right for you avoid limiting your options because of your criteria. Choose one or two things (e,g age and location) and see what comes up. I'd definitely encourage you to go to marriage mingling events where you can get to know guys human-first rather than stats-first, and see what kind of person you automatically click with.  Take your time to discover who actually floats your boat rather than who you’ve been told should float it!

2.       Keep an eye on your energy levels

Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally the process can be draining. It takes time, energy and a great dose of optimism and positivity which often depletes when things aren’t quite going to plan. So if you find yourself feel anxious, down or even tearful just take a break and refocus on yourself and your needs. Often when things are not going right the tendency is to "get back on the horse" or "power through". These are great motivational phrases at the gym but not much in matters of the heart. If you are hurting, take time to heal. If you are mentally exhausted, take a rest. If you've had a hectic week at work and you are feeling physically spent, say no to dates and reschedule them for the following week when you know you will feel better and make a better first impression. Your health and well being always come first.

3.       Be aware of your timeline

Everyone is operating on a different marriage timeline and there is no right or wrong version, just what is right for each person. Maybe you hope to  marry someone a year or 6 months after making the connection and intention. Maybe for religious reasons you prefer it to be even sooner. Or perhaps flowing a shaky previous marriage you would like longer to make a sound decision (especially if there are children involved).

 Decide what is best for you, honour it and make sure the guys you meet are operating on similar timelines. I don't mean come right out and ask him when he'd like to get married the very first time you meet! But rather get an initial idea from him circumstances and what his goals are. Obviously there is some give and take and compromise between two parties but if you are hoping to be married within a year but he needs 3 years to  implement his goal of becoming a millionaire and professional water sports athlete then, lovely as he is, you may be on different paths!

4.       Honour yourself

You want to take the right steps towards meeting someone and making a connection and you believe in the spirit of compromise but where does effective compromise becomes simply a compromise of your values?

If you don’t believe in intimacy before marriage and you meet a guy who is hinting that he expects it if he is to marry you then step away from him. You don’t need him. If you wear hijab and a guy says he wants to see a photo of you without it and that does not feel comfortable to you, don’t do it. If you are a homely lady and he's a party animal who wants to take you clubbing it's OK to say no. 

I have heard of sisters totally changing their lifestyles, goals and dreams because it wasn't in alignment with what the guy they were meeting wanted whilst all the while feeling a sense of unease because they knew deep down  they were now honouring themselves and working in alignment with who they were.

It’s easy to feel that if we give in to certain demands it will make the marriage process happen quicker. However, in doing so the message you are giving is that your needs do not matter - or even exist - which is never a great start to any marriage. If something doesn't feel right or comfortable then listen to your instincts, no matter how "right for you" he may be!

5.       Keep your confidante circle small

It’s easy to get carried away in the excitement of meeting a fascinating new guy that you end up telling everyone you meet how brilliant he is! Or when an issue comes up it's very tempting to ask for a range of opinions from friends, family and colleagues as to what you should do.

The result? You become overwhelmed with opinion-overload, confused about what to do and often end up making a simple situation very complicated!

My advice? Only share the details of what you are doing, who you are meeting, how it’s going etc with one or two very close friends who you trust to be impartial, rational and and mature . Not everyone will understand your situation and what you are going through so often as well-intentioned as their advice is, it's may not be the right path for you. Listen to your own instincts too for guidance. And if you want a little extra support and guidance then do join my VIP Facebook group of like-minded ladies who are going through the same experiences as you and get live support and feedback from me directly.

I always say that meeting and marrying the right guy should not be rocket science and if you follow the simple guidelines above I guarantee your journey to marriage will certainly be a lot smoother.

And if you are new to the world of halal dating then definitely check out my free guide on how to make that first meeting a success!

 

5 Ridiculous Myths About Single Muslim Women Over 30!

Did you know that there is a huge group of Muslim women out there in the wild who are single and over 30?! Yes you may well gasp! What are they thinking, roaming around our major world cities being all beautiful and successful and single and stuff. Haven't you heard they are dangerous??

OK enough sarcasm (for now)!

The point is I am so fed up of hearing single Muslim women vilified and shoved into ridiculous stereotypes created by myths that have somehow morphed into truths and perpetrated by those who have zero idea of what it takes to be a single Muslim woman over 30 in this day and age.

So before you go out and purchase your official Cat Lady Starter Kit, take a look at these 5 ridiculous myths you've been fed and why they are utter BS!...

1.       Your only option is to become a second wife.

Ok hold on! At what point did we start to rank each other according to their reason for being single? There seems to be this bizarre hierarchy of marriage desirability whereby those who are divorced, have children or men who are already married rank right at the bottom whilst those who  have never married, are under 30 and have no children rank at the top. When others suggest that your only option is to become a second wife they are assigning you what they perceive to be the lowest quality spouse you can get purely because of your age.

 Of course you might consider being a second wife if it appeals to you the same way you might consider marrying a guy who's never been married before. Personal preference. And they are all equally valid options and all open to you. Any one of those lovely guys could make you happy.

Don't believe people when they touch you lovingly on the arm, tilt their smug heads to one side and suggest you become wife number 2 purely because you have "no other options".

2.       You’ve missed the boat

I’m sorry I didn’t realise the last boat left at 25 years old o’clock. This seems to rely on an assumption that you will be exposed to a set number of men during your lifetime (i.e. before you hit 30) and that once you have worked your through them and not made a commitment, you have officially run out of men and therefore missed your opportunity. People get married at all ages. Yes there may be age by which you want to be married or you feel is the right age for you to marry but  these things are not always in our control. Rest assured though  that the right guy for you will appear when the time is right and you are in the right place to receive him.  Single men are in abundance and new ones appear everyday. There are plenty of "boats" out there sister!

3.       You have to settle for the next guy who comes along

Again this alludes to a sense of panic and the idea that you are "running out" of guys to chose from. Why? Because some guys are looking for someone younger or taller or thinner than you? You don’t have to settle for anything or anyone who does not give you the happiness and deserve in a marriage. You've waited this long because you know there is that something you just haven’t found yet but you know it’s out there. Don’t give up. I woke up single one morning and by the time I went to bed I had met the man who became my husband 7 months later. It could happen any day. Your job is to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually prepared to receive him and to continue living your fabulous life in the meantime.

4.       You’ve missed your opportunity to have children

Here’s where biology and common sense often forget to cross paths. A lot of women (though not all) do desire greatly to have children and raise a family. However, we forget that children are actually a bonus part of marriage. You could get married at 21 when everyone considers you most fertile and not be able to conceive purely because biology isn’t working for both of you. Or you could get married in your 30s and have your first child at 39 and more after that. The thing is you won’t know until after marriage whether or not kids are possible so avoid placing too much importance on marriage as a means to have children and focus instead of finding the right guy with whom you can already feel fulfilled so that if children arrive yayyyy and if they don't, it won’t spell the end of your marriage and being returned in disgrace to your parental home so he can marry his cousin from back home who is 18!!

5.       You will die old and alone

I have a neighbour who is 79 and she has never married. She is lonely, has very few friends and no visitors. Why? Because she is a cranky, bitter and aggressive woman (not to mention racist), not because she never married.

Even if, like my neighbour,  you never get married it doesn’t necessarily spell your destiny to die alone in a rocking chair, halfway through your knitting, being eaten by your cats for 3 months before anyone follows the putrid scent to your corpse. If you currently have a loving and supportive network of family and friends that you nurture and grow, they will be there when you are old too. Human relationships go beyond marriage and even if you did get married you may outlive your spouse anyway. Cultivate your familial bonds and friendships  and don’t be like my neighbour (although I do love how she smacks people with her walking stick when they get in her way!).

So sister, breathe, unclench and relax.

Know that you are exactly where you need to be right now and that nothing and no one can stop you from being with the person who has been destined for you.

(...P.S: Take control today and stop going on first dates that lead nowhere! Click here to discover how to do the 7 things that takes a first meeting from just another coffee date to the first step towards your dream marriage!)

 

 

 

How To Get Over Someone

Let’s not be naïve sister.  In the quest for marriage it happens that relationships form . These could be engagements, boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships or just a very intense period of getting to know  someone exclusively. We’d like to think that we enter into a relationship and it leads to marriage but bumps happen and relationships end and we find ourselves back at square one again.

And whilst we’d love to be able to just get back on the horse and power through, find a guy and get married, the baggage and unfinished business of previous relationships can cast an overwhelming shadow over the way we approach and form new relatoinships.

I have covered the dangers of not getting over an ex proerply in a prvious blog article, what I want to focus on today is how to do that. So here are some tips to help you get out of the ex rut and start meeting and appreciating new guys.

1.       Remove the rose-tinted glasses

When you look back on ex relationships you have a tendency to wear those deceptive rose tinted glasses and think upon the good times with extreme fondness and totally obliterate the bad moments. This happens more when you are feeling down or lonely and you tend to go backwards to what you perceive was good rather than look forward to what could be better. So as negative as it sounds, do remember the bad stuff too, it will remind you why things never worked out as well as why you deserve better.

2.       Burn your bridges

If it’s ended and you are moving forward and finding someone new then burn those bridges. Delete his number, delete his past messages, delete his photos. Otherwise they act as an anchor holding you back in the past and unable to move forward without much stress and heartache. It may take time but be proactive, practical amd move forward. Eventaully you will wonder who he ever was!

3.       Use past experiences to move forward

Remember that guy it didn’t work out with who you thought was the best guy you will ever meet, so perfect for you that you thought you’d never be able to meet anyone else, so right in so many ways that you didn’t think you’d ever get over him? But you did. And you will get over them all. It might not feel like it now but when you meet the right guy you will realise why all those other guys were not him. Stop thinking of him as the be all and end all when there are so many other wonderful guys out there.

4.       Put the focus back on you

For a while your focus on been on him , your relationship and the possibility of marriage. When things end it literally feels like the end of the world because all the stuff you were occupied with no longer exists. This is when it is time to get back to you and your life and your world. The one you probably put on hold while with this guy. Focus on doing things that make you feel fulfilled, happy and content  be it retail therapy, a holiday or just a day in with a great book. Look after you and your needs now.

5.       Go speed dating!! (Hear me out on this one!)

Yes the last thing you might want to do is meet guys but the beauty of speed dating is that it rarely ends up in marriage. Going speed dating with friends is fun, it’s fast, you can get to talk to so many guys in one evening and it helps you re enter the world of single men in a way that is non-threatening and commitment free and it helps rebuild your confidence nd exercise your relationship and search muscles again! Win win!

And before you do anything sister make sure you feel good again, that your self-esteem has been restored and that you are actually ready to move on. Click the image below to get a little help along the way...

Beware Of The Virtual Relationship

Today’s post is about a trap I know I fell into many times on my quest for "Mr. Right": 
 
 The Virtual Relationship!

Picture this scenario. You meet a nice guy online. You exchange a few messages via the website before deciding to exchange numbers. You then start to text each other. A lot! You begin to feel a little flutter each time his name appears on your Whatsapp screen.
 
Then you speak to each other on the phone. For a few hours! It’s great! You have so much in common, he seems to “get” you, you have in-jokes, maybe nicknames for each other. You text late into the night and again upon waking.
 
The following night is the same. He calls you at 7pm and before you know it, it’s almost midnight and you remember you have an early meeting tomorrow! But of course it doesn’t end there, you will probably message each other until one of your falls  asleep. Sound familiar?
 
This becomes a daily pattern. Suddenly you have someone to brighten up your day! This is all going so well! Or is it?…

Already your mind and heart may be swimming with ideas of where this is going and how you will break the news to your family.

But sisters, until you meet face to face (and no Skype to Skype is not the same) your “relationship” is existing in a virtual world and is as unstable and unpredictable as modern technology!
 
 So sisters, how can you ensure that you avoid disappointment and heartbreak in this situation? 

Next time you meet that wonderful guy online I invite you to do the following:
 
 1. Keep your interactions short and sweet in the beginning.

I know it feels great to meet someone you really connect with and all you want to do is spend every waking moment getting to know them so you can hurry up and get married!
 
 But sisters, giving up hours of your time every evening to chat to a man you have never met is the equivalent of the lady who “gives it all” on the first date.
 
 Until you have physically met and established a real connection, keep the first few phone calls short and sweet, friendly and fun, engaging and exciting. Never longer than 30 minutes! Find a polite way to end the conversation.

If your first phone calls are lasting hours, the message is that you are willingly giving a man you have never met so much of your time and energy. He gets to have someone listen to him, he feels needed and appreciated and you have reaffirmed that he is a catch!
 
 Like the lady who gives it all on the first date, maybe that’s all the fix he needs. Where is his incentive to pursue you and discover more about you?

2. Meet Him!

I know for some sisters it takes time to feel comfortable to meet someone face to face. But the longer you are talking on the phone and messaging, you are falling further into the virtual relationship trap rather than cultivating a real relationship.
 
 The reality can be quite different. You can tell so much more about each other in 5 minutes face to face than you can in a week’s worth of phone calls and texting.
 
 The worst thing you can do is to have built up all kinds of hopes and plans for the future in your virtual relationship only to realise upon meeting, that you are not compatible. You will feel like you have wasted your time not to mention embarrassed at all the deep and personal stuff you may have now shared!
 
 On the phone you may have had lots to talk about but let’s face it, you are new to each other. There will be lots you want to know and share.
 
 Can you sustain the conversation in person? Can it go beyond stories from your childhood and questions about where you want to live oneday?

3. Do not step off the ride!

By this I mean do not bring your entire life, world, daily routine to a halt and lavish all of your attention and time on this man.
 
Go out with your friends, continue to meet and chat to other prospective husbands, pursue your hobbies, go ahead and book that summer holiday. Do not cancel social events with friends to stay home and chat to him! 
 
 You haven’t met him, he hasn’t yet earned the right to that much of your time or any type of commitment!
 
By continuing your life as normal, the message you will give him is that you have a rich and fulfilling life, you are an interesting person and the pressure is not on him to fill your life with meaning.
 
 Trust me, nothing is more alluring to a man that a woman who enjoys life!

It can feel truly frustrating, after all you want to get married, you want to show someone that you are serious but until you have physically met and both decided that you wish to pursue it further you are both existing in the virtual world. The good news is it's not impossible to move from the virtual to the real world! Click the image below to discover how...

Why You Need To Stop Searching For A Spouse

How many times have you had that moment of "ARGH I GIVE UP!!" ?

The last 3 guys you met were either married, sex-hungry or just plain weird (some were all 3).

That guy you've been chatting to for a few days has just vanished into thin air (even though you can SEE he's online everyday!)

Oh and that handsome Sports' Coach you hesitantly contacted online has informed you that you are an inch short of his height requirements in a wife.

Now is the time to stop looking.

I can hear you gasp from behind your laptop! "Why would I ever stop  the spouse search?? I need to find The One! Time is ticking by very loudly! I just want to find the right person so I can sigh, relax and ...well..be married."

BUT here are 3 reasons why you need to stop looking if you want to find The One:

1. You need to put the focus back on you

Why?

You've spent so long juggling work, family and the husband hunt that you've stopped taking care of yourself. You no longer have the time for the things that make you happy, you spend most of your free time glancing anxiously at your phone and most of your weekend meeting potentials. It's exhausting!

Action: Recharge your Me-Time Battery.

Make a list of 20 things that make you happy, that you enjoy doing and have nothing to do with anyone else. Take 7 days and commit to doing 3 of these things everyday.

2. You need to reconnect with your needs

Why?

Searching for a spouse can feel like running on a hamster wheel and somewhere between the last 2 guys you met you lost focus on what you actually need from a marriage. You've spent so much energy trying to impress, fit the mould and be accepted by potential spouses that you've lost sight of what you need from them.

Action: Recharge your Needs Battery.

Make a list of 5 emotions you wish you feel in a marriage (e.g. cherished , respected etc). Memorise them for when you are ready to get back out there again and make sure you are getting them!

3.  You need a mental break

Why?

Spouse searching is tiring. The endless meetings, the uncertainty and the rejections can leave you feeling mentally and emotionally spent. You can't search effectively if you don't have the mental and emotional energy the same way you can't run a marathon if you are not in great physical shape.

Action: Recharge your Mental & Emotional Batteries

Indulge in some meditation, pampering, retail, sport or whatever your idea of mental relaxation is. Switch your phone to silent, disconnect temporarily from social media,  online matrimonial sites and needy friends (you know the ones I mean!).

Honestly I recommend you do this at least once a month. Have a spouse searching detox, eliminate  the frustration toxins and recharge all the batteries you need to successfully become Mrs. Not Single Anymore!

Want to use your time out of the search  to work on your confidence and self-esteem? Click here to find out more.

What We Mean By "Dating"

What actually IS dating and what does it mean to the single Muslimah looking for a spouse?

In the western world dating generally means an extended period of getting to know someone through frequent meetings, seeing where it goes, possibly living together and, if both parties are like-minded, knowing that it will probably result in marriage. Oneday.

For the single Muslimah looking for a spouse however, it doesn’t mean these things at all! In fact, up until recently the only dates we considered were Mejdoul! (I know, I know! Lame! But I couldn’t write an entire article about dates without mentioning it somewhere!)

Like it or not , unchaperoned meetings between independent, like-minded Muslim men and women have become the way forward in choosing a spouse. But where do we set the boundaries that distinguish it from the western method of choosing a boyfriend and define it as a serious means of choosing a spouse?

Unfortunately it is this grey area in which much misunderstanding and hurt can occur.

A lot of Muslims belong to the strictly-no-meeting school of thought and prefer that interaction should not take place before marriage other than one preliminary chaperoned meeting to make a decision.

Then there are, what I believe, to be the most prominent group. Those ensconced somewhere in the middle between struggling to unite Islamic practice and living in the modern world . And yes I probably mean you.

Tell me if this sounds familiar..

You are deadly serious about marriage because as a Muslim woman that is what you want, that is your right and you are ready for the responsibilities.

However, as a single Muslimah living in a modern world where you pretty much make most of your own decisions, you realise that in order to fulfill your dream there has to be a bit of give and take. And as much as you want to get married you cannot fathom the idea of making a decision based on one meeting alone.

So the plan is this: that you meet someone (whether online or otherwise), spend some time getting to know him (maybe a few weeks or months) and hopefully both of you will declare your intention and willingness to move forward and agree that you are right for each other and get married.

Essentially it is not dating in the western sense but a shorter period of getting to know someone through meeting and interacting with them, often unchaperoned, but generally in public, to decide whether or not you want to marry each other.

But ah if only it were that easy dear sisters!

For a lot of single Muslimahs, this plan can often go awry!

The majority of single Muslim women today are faced with a generation of Muslim men (though not all of you guys before you start chasing me with pitchforks!) who use the idea of “dating” as a get out of jail free card!

For example you could spend a few months getting to know a guy only to have him let you go claiming that “it’s too early, we don’t know each other well enough yet, we’ve only been dating a while”, leaving you feeling foolish in your supposedly antiquated desire to get married rather than just date without purpose.

Or you get the guy who will “date” you for months, be happy to be exclusive to you but who will declare after a period of time that he is not looking to get married and that his intention was only to date and again you are left feeling foolish for misinterpreting his being on a matrimonial site and stating “looking to settle down” in his profile (!).

Arrrgh!!

Is it any wonder than the Muslim woman is becoming disillusioned and frustrated in her search for a spouse?

People might call you picky but you are not, you are independent, smart and you don’t follow the herd which is why you prefer to make an informed decision about the man you marry.

Whether you want to call it dating, purposeful meeting or just plain getting-to-know-him opportunities, it exists and, done correctly , it works! However, it is relatively new to our world and must be treated and defined as such.

We cannot turn to dating guides written by authors whose goals and timelines are different to ours or to the chick flicks and Bollywood movies that only create a fantasy instead of guiding you to the reality of life as a single Muslim woman in search of commitment.

We, as single Muslims, must empower ourselves to define what it means to “date” and ensure that the people we meet are on board with this new concept to our community and respect its boundaries. We need to learn the skills to help us navigate this new arena and ensure that we are in a place to be making informed decisions. And most of all we need support and guidance when actually “dating” to lead us towards our goal of getting married!

Want to know how to makes "dates" actually work for you so you can actually head towards marriage after just 3 meetings?? Click the image below to find out....

Why Single Muslim Women Deserve More Respect & Support In Their Search For Marriage

The number of unmarried Muslim women aged 27+ is fast growing and it is about time that we, as an ummah, start to give these women the recognition, support and respect they deserve instead of just derision, judgement and pity.

Times are not what they used to be. We live in a world where we are surrounded by choice: what to eat, what to wear, who to associate with and who not to. It’s only natural then that, with so much on offer, the marriage process has become trickier than it was 20 years ago, and now needs serious re-evaluation.

We are still urging women to find a spouse and settle down using the old-fashioned mindset then criticise them when they do not get anywhere , calling them “picky” or “past it”.

How do I know this? It wasn’t so long since I was that woman: 30+, single, going on endless first dates, trying to find that ultimate connection that would mean I had finally found the elusive One.

And it’s not like I “left it too late” as many women are told. I had been looking since I was in my 20s but faced rejection after rejection for the most ridiculous of reasons.

Like so many of our sisters I went on endless first dates, disappointed each time I met the guy only to find that the “spark” wasn’t there. Or other times, I was delighted to find the spark only to be told he didn’t want to pursue it further. And sometimes I’d find that connection only to have the guy just disappear without a trace, knowing most likely that he’d found someone better. Probably younger too.

Like so many of our sisters, I’d lie awake at night, stomach churning , wondering what I was doing wrong, questioning myself as a woman, finding dissatisfaction in my looks and other such perceived superficial flaws. I’d project into the future, seeing myself as a single “older woman” and desperately trying to make the lifestyle changes in my head just in case it happened. The other option was to “settle” which was too frightening to contemplate.

I wondered whether I would ever find the one for me or whether the chance had indeed passed me by and I hadn’t noticed. I avoided anything to do with weddings be it weddings shows, Bollywood songs about weddings and often just weddings themselves!

I could never understand why others could do it so easily. I remember the gut-wrenching feeling every time I received a wedding invitation from someone younger than me. I imagined them making wedding plans, surrounded by loving, crooning female relatives then later on after marriage travelling the world and making a flock of babies while I was still dragging myself out on those first dates trying to turn a coffee at Starbucks into something meaningful and full of potential.

But sadly this is not the end of the pain for our single sisters oh dear ummah. Oh no, she then has to face your criticism and judgement. The way you ignore her when marriage proposals come up, favouring the younger girls in your circle instead. The way you look at her with a mixture of pity and scorn for being where she is and not yet married, as if it is some kind of exclusive club and she is still merely a child for not yet being a part of it.

Yet what you don’t see are the tears, the waiting, the uncertainty, the heartbreak, the endless rejection and the crippling blow to her self-esteem each time she is rejected or realises she has made a bad decision.

You don’t see the evenings she spends at home alone wondering whether everyone else is out there meeting their soulmate right now. You also don’t see the effort she makes to attend social events in the hope that the man of her dreams might be there, then the disappointment when she gets home and removes the fake lashes wishing she had just stayed home instead.

And let’s not forget the hierarchy of martyrdom! Yes single sisters you know what I mean. When I used to speak to my married friends about the trials and tribulations of my life I’d be met with, “wait until you are married then you will know what stress is!”. As if being married takes you to the next level of the martyrdom game and gives you extra points. (Incidentally, now I am married I get the “wait until you have kids” trump card).

But the assumption is that your life is somehow way easier because you have no husband or kids. Oh and you also have all the time in the world to do things at the drop of a hat for people and attend all of their social events because, as a single woman, you can’t possibly be doing anything else with all that luxurious free time you have right?

You may be thinking, well what about the guys over 30? Aren’t they going through the same thing? The answer is of course they too suffer from rejection and anxiety because they too want to settle. But the difference is they have much more choice than the sisters.

A guy aged 35 with a great job , a car and a place of his own is at the top of the bachelor pile and will often overlook her for a younger sister if that is what he wants. A woman aged 35 with a great job, a car and a place of her own unfortunately does not share the same prestige. She is treated with suspicion and ridicule and Allah forbid she should be looking anywhere other than her age group or older!

As a result the single sister ends up taking near desperate measures. She becomes elated — almost grateful — when someone is showing an interest in her that she ignores the fact that he isn’t treating her with respect and probably doesn’t intend to marry her. She puts up with all kinds of questionable behaviour because she believes she is compromising but actually what she is doing is clinging onto the hope that he will be the one to marry her and show the world that she is wanted and loved.

Like a lot of Muslim women , most of our lives we were told to stay away from boys and were led to view them as something taboo and wrong. Then all of a sudden we were told to go out there and meet someone just like that. It’s like sending us up Mount Everest in flip flops!

The problem is we have never been equipped with the tools to make those decisions. In western culture, girls have boyfriends from a very young age and quickly learn the rules of love, often supported and guided by the parents. Our sisters instead are raised to succeed in education and employment, which is great, but we were never raised learning how to choose a spouse other than looking at a bunch of useless biodata facts, making a decision based on his height, age, education and income and hoping that the one coffee we have with him after work one day will seal the deal.

But because these are the only things we have ever been told to go by, we cling to them, never daring to widen our options for fear that we are deserting all that we know to be correct in the art of choosing a spouse.

We are so preoccupied with getting married now that we fail to remember that we are choosing a man who will journey with us into old age one day and hence we make decisions based on our current needs and  lifestyles (as well as fears)

I want us as an ummah to recognise the pain and trials that our single sisters over a certain age have to endure and to show a little empathy and understanding towards their situation.

Most of these women are dying to find that one guy who will be their companion, their best friend and their soulmate and your criticism of them will only destroy their self-esteem further.

It’s like telling an unemployed person to just “get a job already” or telling a poor person to merely “get more money”. Next time you meet a sister who has been single a long time, ask her how she is feeling not whether she has met anyone yet. Amd if she does disclose her struggles to you empathise with her pain even if you do not understand it and treat her like the smart, valued, worthy member of society and the ummah that she is.

I created Single Muslima Solutions for these very sisters. It is my gift to you in a world where no one seems to understand what you are going though and expects so much of you with so little support offered.

I want you to know that it will get better, there’s nothing wrong with you and you can learn to make it happen for you with a man who will treat you with nothing less that the love and respect that any sister deserves.

If you would like to find out more about working one to one with me click here and let's book a time to have a little chat. Breathe and relax. You are no longer alone.

(...P.S: Take control today and stop going on first dates that lead nowhere! Click here to discover how to do the 7 things that takes a first meeting from just another coffee date to the first step towards your dream marriage!)

The Deadliest Men You Will Meet Online!

In the virtual jungle exist genuine, good, kind hearted diamond guys . Like you, they are online looking for a similarly genuine and sincere other half who is looking for marriage. Sadly however, these poor guys seem to be hidden under a nest of vipers! And it is these vipers who seem to be the only ones who creep into your inbox and cause havoc!

So who are the top 7 deadliest guys the single Muslima commonly comes across online?

1. The Sex Seeker

This has to be the number one gripe I hear everyday. This guy will start off with an innocent profile but the moment you are in contact it becomes clear he’s only after sex. Some guys go about it quite sneakily, asking you for general pictures, then full body pictures etc until they finally ask you for a nude picture and more! He may even try to manipulate you by making you feel like a prude and old fashioned for not wanting to indulge him. Other guys are unbelievably frank about it and inform you upfront that they are looking for a physical relationship. And then there are a select disturbing few who show you what they are after by sending you an unexpected photo of something you really didn’t want or need to see! Of course added to the mix are the married guys who are online for this very purpose!

2. The Narcissist

This guy sees himself as a finished product from his flash car to his often bigoted opinions. He is not open to change or growth unless it is a growth in his income or manhood. As far as he is concerned he is king and you are lucky to have the privilege to talk to him. He will find ways to make you feel inadequate like commenting on your appearance, your weight or even the area where you live! He can be quite sly and manipulative in the way he makes you feel you are not good enough. He thinks everyone should endeavour to be like him and with him. He makes you come to him, he makes little effort to get to know you because you are not important enough to be considered an entity in your own right. It’s all about him. His Needs. His wants.

3. The Visa Seeker

Whilst there are some genuine non resident guys out there who are looking to marry a woman for love and companionship, for every one of those there is a guy who is simply seeking to renew his visa. He is usually a student of some kind or works in a cash in hand job that has no obligation to renew his visa when it ends. He is sharing a bedroom in a flat with 5 of his cousins. He wants to marry you asap. He double checks that you were born here and work here. He will move at the speed of light to get the ball rolling, he will request to meet your family the following weekend and be married by the end of the month (when the visa expires).

4. The Momma’s Boy

Whilst you want a guy who is on good terms with his family and shows a respectful attitude towards the one who gave birth to him, some guys just take it to the extreme. He will make reference to his devotion to his mum in his profile or at least in the first few minutes of talking to him and most of his phrases begin “my mum…”. He continuously quotes the jannat under the feet of your mother hadith as a free pass to demand you do everything his mother says, wants and does. He will outline exactly what he expects your wifely duties to be and bar sex, they are usually the things his mum does for him like pressing his feet or cooking only the things he likes. He wants you to not only live with his mum but take active steps to learn from her and be just like her . He’s often the only son in the family so he’s grown up being waited on hand and foot by women and he expects no different from his wife.

5. The Misogynist

This guy has been deeply hurt by a woman in the past but that’s no excuse for his behaviour. He is angry and he uses terms like “you women + negative generalisation” a lot. He spends an extraordinary amount of energy telling you what he doesn’t like or expect from a woman. He doesn’t make much effort to endear himself to you because you should be endearing yourself to him to prove to him that good women exist but he wouldn’t believe you anyway. This guy needs professional help before he can can truly expect to find a wife. Otherwise he spends his hours chatting to women with the sole purpose of proving them wrong about everything and pointing out their faults!

6. The Fake Photo

This will only come to light when he shows another a real photo of himself or worse still, when you go to meet him and what appears to be his dad turns up. The fake photo is sometimes a model, an actor, a random Google search for “handsome man” or even just himself 30 years ago. When you challenge him as to why the reality and the photo are so different he laughs sheepishly, makes up a some holier than thou tale about people only being into looks or he just admits it’s an old photo as if to say “well duh”. Meanwhile you have to sit through coffee with an even stranger stranger than you bargained for!

7. The Scam Artist

Poor me, my pet crocodile is dying and I have no money to feed my grandmother! Or how about, I’m studying really hard to become a (insert impressive profession here) but I am running out money and my studies will be incomplete and I will not able to make my dead ancestors proud. Or the best one I heard, I am about to go to prison unless I can pay my debt, please will you give me (seemingly small but generous) much so I can be free? Ermmm, how about you sell your laptop, phone and cancel your subscription to this website?

The saddest part of all of this is that these guys are totally ruining it for the good guys online! 

I salute the brothers who are genuine, decent and honest in their search for a spouse and who — like the sisters — want nothing more than to find that special someone with whom they can find companionship, ease and love.

It’s because of the bad guys that  respectable, decent sisters are leaving matrimonial websites daily having come to the conclusion that there are no good men online! Meanwhile the good guys struggle to surface from beneath the scum that floats on the surface of the virtual sea!

Click here to check out my free masterclass here on how to spot the 6 biggest timewasters!

How To Get Married After 30 Without Settling For The Village Idiot!

"Dear Soraya, I am almost 40. When I was in my 20s I didn't feel ready to get married yet, there was so much I wanted to do. But now I am wishing I had because I am finding it really hard to meet someone as I am so set in my ways and life. I feel like I should marry whoever asks me for the sake of getting married and maybe - if I'm lucky - having kids"

S, New York

It’s so easy for people  to blame you and say it is your fault for being “so picky”. Or to shake their communal head and tut “well that’s what you get for leaving it so late”.

So what happens?

Filled with this sense of shame, guilt and panic you do whatever you believe it takes to “put it right” and that means trying to deploy a system  that only really works for a 21 year old: you know, the one where you meet the guy, say yes after one meeting then there’s a wedding and you are married, all in one fluid easy movement.

But it’s not as simple as that is it?

There is so much more evaluate before saying yes and guess what sister? You have the right to make a choice based on your life as woman over 30.

Here are 3 questions you need to ask yourself so that you are clear where you can compromise and meet someone halfway and where you will stand firm.

1. How much of your career you are willing to sacrifice for marriage?

You've spent years building a successful career, making lifelong connections at work and progressing up the ladder through your sheer determination, hard work and skill. But when it comes to finding a spouse sadly this very same achievement can be your biggest blocker.

Be super honest with yourself where you stand here. Do you feel happy and ready to take a break or slow the pace in your job to focus on marriage? Or do you feel that your job has become too significant a part of your life to simply give up? Are you OK to take a step down or start a new job elsewhere?

2. How far are you willing to move?

Your home and geographical location hold much more significance to you now that it would have done in your 20s. It's the place where you have created and maintained personal connections with people and if you are a homeowner or renting , it's the place where you've made a home for yourself.

What are your plans for your property if you have to leave it? Are you OK to  have someone move in with you? What's the furthest you are prepared to move without losing all the connections and relationships you currently have?

3. Who else will be affected by your marriage?

If you have children already then this is possibly the most crucial question as it not just your life that will change but theirs too. Are you OK to shift them to a new school and have them make new friends? Or does their need for stability mean you desire to stay in the area?

Maybe you have parents who require your care. In which case are you OK to leave them? Is there someone else in the house who would take care of them? Or would you rather have your husband move in with you so you can still take care of your parents?

You should not feel guilted, shamed or bullied into making any decision that will create serious upheaval to your well-being. You are at a  stage of your life that is enriched with experience, success and stability. Own it, be proud of it and make an informed decision based on it. Decide where and where you can compromise  and let your goal be to meet someone understanding enough to support your decision to marry him.

Need a little confidence boost to before you can put yourself out there? Click the image below to find out more....

How To Deal With Wedding Envy

Have you ever felt that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when another of your friends blinds you with her 10 carat diamond ring as she hands you her gold and ivory embossed wedding invitation?

It's OK. We all have.

But how do you stay calm, sane and positive when you suddenly realise that you are the last singleton of your group? 

1. Acknowledge and embrace how you are feeling. Say it out loud to a trusted friend, write it in your diary (or email it to me).

Say it, say that you feel panicked, afraid, jealous, angry, outraged, whatever it is. Once you have said it you can then work through it.

Don't suppress it, it will only come back to haunt you in some unhealthy way.


2. Remember the hadith:  “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

Granted it's not always easy but think about your own wedding one day in sha Allah. You would want your friends to be happy for you. Who knows, maybe right now your friend is  feeling a little guilty that it's her and not you getting married.

She needs a supportive friend more than ever right now.


3. Treat yourself!

Ok this one is a bit superficial but do it!

Buy that expensive coffee and cake, watch the film you love, have a hot bubbly bath, go to your favourite workout class.

Whatever cheers you up, indulge and use it to remind yourself how deserving, valued and amazing you are whatever your marital status


Remember we are only human. Yes we are Muslim but we are by no means perfect.  You have a heart and a soul and, as women, Allah has blessed us with the ability to feel a range and depth of emotions. It's how we deal with them that counts.

Need a confidence boost when it comes to marriage? Click the image below to discover how you can put yourself out there with self-assurance and confidence when the rest of the world wants to bring you down...




 

5 Top Tips For Dealing With Rejection

Why does it always seem to happen to me? I have so much to offer, I am intelligent, charming, beautiful and interesting. But he's not interested. What is so bad about me? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t anyone see my good qualities? Why does nobody want me? 

F, Manchester

It's a sickening feeling, it can keep you awake in the early hours of the morning tossing and turning wondering whether you will ever get married, whether someone will ever say yes to you and see what a wonderful woman you are.

Sadly you cannot stop rejection from happening, it's kind of part and parcel of the spouse-searching process but you can soften the blow when it happens.

So here are 5 top tips to help you do just that:

1. Look to lessons from the past

We  all know that if someone or something is meant for us it will be and that Allah knows best what is good for us. So look back over times where something you wanted turned out to be wrong for you and use those examples to reaffirm your belief that this new rejection has happened for the best. Also look back on those moments of rejection where you felt you'd never meet another guy like him. But you did didn't you?

2. Learn to detach yourself from the outcome

When we meet a guy it's not just a guy we are meeting but the key to our dreams of marriage. That's why when things don't go as planned it can feel like the end of your hopes for everything that could have been with that particular guy.  The key is to stay mindful and in the moment when you meet someone new. Get to know the person rather than the wedding, marriage and married life he could potentially give you. That way if things don't quite go right  it is more a case of the loss of an interesting person from your phone contact list, rather than all the hope you had invested in him.

3. Avoid seeing the rejection as a reflection on you as a person

Just because he didn't see your great qualities or wanted to marry you for them doesn't mean others won't. We are not to everyone's taste because we have different tastes. I bet you can name 3 perfectly lovely guys you have said no to in the past and it was OK. It didn't mean you didn't appreciate their good points, they were just not for you. Sadly the movies lie to us when they present the heroine who fends off the advances of all to chose just one. In the case of looking for a spouse you need to think a little more practically.

Yes it sucks if the guy you thought was a perfect match didn't feel the same way. But it doesn't mean you are not worth the kind of guy you are looking for. It just means that particular guy wasn't for you.

4. Allow yourself time to recover

The worst thing you can do when suffering from the hurt of rejection is to get right back on the horse. It may feel like the strong Beyonce independent woman thing to do but really it's like running on a broken ankle!

Let yourself heal, feel good about yourself again, look after yourself and only get back out there when you are ready otherwise your search will be fruitless. Nothing is more important than your well being and happiness and married or single we are each responsible for ensuring our own. Mr. Right will not escape you or pass you by if you take some time out for yourself first.

5. Learn and grow  from it

Every time things go wrong see it as a learning experience rather than a new stick  to beat yourself with. What might you do differently next time? What will you be on the lookout for? What do you now know is a total no no for you?

Do it without blaming yourself, do it objectively and look the future and how your new-found wisdom will serve you better next time. You can either grow from it or let it destroy you. If you let it destroy you, you are only hurting yourself.

It may feel like the end of the world each time it happens but each time it happens you will bounce back again because your goal is marriage, companionship and happiness and you can find that with any number of the single Muslim guys out there. He wasn't interested? It's OK. There IS someone out there who has been kept for you and if you need to meet a few frogs along a the way it's OK too.

If constant rejection has left you feeling a little broken and unsure of yourself then let me help you back up again. Click the image below to find out more...

 

 

It's OK For You, You're Not Married

Oh here we go again (cue inner eye roll!)

To use a clichee, if , during my 14 years as a singleton, I had £1 for every time I heard this smug, patronising and just plain insulting phrase I wouldn’t have a mortgage to pay off right now!

But there it is. That one phrase that , as a single woman, can just cut you down and diminish you to nothing but a mere woman-child who apparently has no idea of what life really is.

There are other variations of it too: “wait until you’re married then you will know (insert presumed stress factor here)” or “It’s different when you are married as you will see oneday” (plus smug patronising martyr-like smile).

They all boil down to one ugly assumption : that as a single woman your life is WAY easier than theirs. You have endless amounts of free time, your cash flow is bottomless and your problems stretch no further than chipped nail polish.

Oh if only they knew!

You might have a bit more spare time and you may have a bit of extra cash at the end of the month but please do not assume that it makes life less stressful.

You are in charge of your own life and whilst it is a hugely liberating experience it is also a potentially scary one. You pay the bills, you pay the mortgage, you maintain the car and you deal with the unpleasantness of day to day living by yourself. (It brings to mind the friend who once said me "how can you be broke? You're single!")

You're also alone in dealing with the daily battle of trying to stay positive as you wonder when exactly you are going to find The One and get married. You endure endless dates and countless rejections that you can’t always talk about openly. You lie awake in tears wondering why it’s so easy for everyone else to find a partner but so damn hard for you. You constantly question whether you are the problem and are somehow unworthy of love.

So married sisters next time you feel the need to chime in and remind your single sister of how wonderful her single life is please remember that she is fighting battles you’ve never had to fight.

Fed up of people bringing you down with their catty comments and endless judgement? Boost your self-esteem and feel confident to put yourself out there again. Click the image below to find out more....

Marrying Outside The Community

There have been many articles written to celebrate the love two Muslims have found by marrying out of their race or cultural community. 

This is not one of them.

Yes finding love is to be celebrated and of course there is much benefit to the mixing of cultures and growth and diversity of the human race through it.

But my point is the fact that it has to be celebrated and written about is in itself a disgrace.

Let’s not bury our heads in the sand here , racism is rampant amongst our ummah! Every cultural community has it’s negative opinions, stereotypes and ranking of other races. 

Some communities create the illusion of inclusion by boldly boasting how their offspirng has married a (insert race of same skin colour here) as if it somehow makes them cosmopolitan and open-minded. But when the skin colours differ too much that’s when problems arise. Anyone at the extreme scales of black or white the racism alarm sounds at full blast and operation Disown Child is activated.

Other communities are even less accepting to the point where their child must marry someone from the exact same country, village and even family as them. Add to this the strange notion of caste which has crept into some areas of our ummah and you find a single woman (or man) given only 2 options: to marry their cousin or an unknown person from across the planet.

And I needn't remind you of the disgrace to our ummah that is "honour killing", an oxymoron if ever there were one.

Racism is rife across the globe and it wasn’t so long ago that a mixed race couple could even be arrested. But that isn’t us. Or rather it shouldn’t be us. As an ummah we take our example from the best of mankind and in theory marry people based on their character. But when we start choosing or rejecting on the basis of race first before anything else we are doing a great disservice to ourselves.

By all mean marry in the community for reasons of personal preference but not because one culture is deemed superior to any other.

Want to know how to get our there, meet and marry the right man for you in record time? Click the image below to find out more..

Yes I Live Alone And I Love It!

I was 29 when I made the exciting and adventurous decision to move out of my parental home and live alone. I'd had zero luck finding a spouse and whilst my father would have happily begged me to live at home until I was collecting my pension, I felt that it was time to be my own woman and create a life of my own.

But oh what a landmine that was to navigate when it came to finding a spouse!

If you are reading this right now it is probably because you live alone. You've either bought a property (yay you!) or you are renting a place. 

Here are 3 of the most important things to consider when searching for a spouse as a woman who lives alone:

1. Do I tell him I live alone?

Honesty is crucial and all but do you want to mention to someone you have just met that you live alone? Maybe there is an issue of safety and vulnerability and not really knowing much about the guy. Or maybe you just want to avoid all the "can I come over?" that seems inevitable the moment you mention you live alone. 

2. Do I mention that I own a property?

This is such a tricky one. If the guy you are meeting does not own his own property there can be a real inferiority complex to deal with. Some guys won't even consider a woman who is further up the property ladder than he is for fear he will look less manly! Then of course you have the other end of the issue where you fear a hungry eyed man see your property as his own pot of gold one day and you don't know whether he is as interested in you as he is your home.

3. Do I accept lifts home?

For reasons of safety I'd never recommend this anyway. I know there's this whole gentlemanly aspect to walking or dropping a lady home. But do you really want him to know where you live? Do you subsequently want to risk him just popping round one day?

Sadly this should not even be an issue but it's no secret that searching for a spouse goes hand in hand with all kinds of cultural baggage and the idea of a lady living alone is still an anomaly. By all means do not meet every guy with distrust but do consider the possible implications of being 100% open about your living situation if you feel it might impact on the way things develop.

Need a little hand finding, meeting and marrying the GOOD guys? Click the image below to find out more...

 

 

 

Ex And The Single Muslima

If you are a single Muslim woman over the age of 30 the chances are you have an ex. And and “ex” can mean anything from a guy you were once engaged to, to a guy you were meeting for the purpose of marriage, to a husband to a full blown boyfriend . And let’s not be naive. It happens. It’s always happened be it 1917 or 2017!

One of the problems you might experience as a single Muslim woman over 30 is a greater sense of regret when you consider your ex. You may forget that he is an ex for a reason whether he ended it, you did or you both decided to call it quits.

He and the relationship were not right for you and that is why you are not in it anymore. However, as time creeps on and you find yourself meeting more and more unsuitable men, timewasters and players it’s only natural to look back to what was.

Maybe the ex symbolised a time when you felt you were nearer to the marriage “goalpost” than now . Maybe you feel like if you could just pick up where you left off it will be as if nothing has ever happened.

Or perhaps it’s because the uncertainty of what the future holds is too frightening and it is safer and more comforting to look back on what was. Before you know it you’ve sent a seemingly innocent text message to see “how he’s doing” just for a little bit of comfort. After all, better the devil you know right?

The danger however is two-fold. 

On the one hand you are overlooking what made him an ex in the first place. Was it that temper, neglecting your feelings, not being fully present emotionally or maybe his refusal to commit ?

By overlooking these things you bring yourself to problem number two in which you’ve accidentally put him on a pedestal. As far as your are concerned he is the man that brought you closer to marriage than you have ever been and therefore this make him a kind of benchmark. 

You believe that if you can find another guy like him you will get to that almost-married point again but without the same mistakes as last time

As a result you miss out on the opportunity to meet many amazing guys. You consciously or subconsciously turn away anyone who is different from the pedestal version of the ex . And when you do meet a guy you are always measuring him against the ex instead of on his own terms as his own person.

From his pedestal the ex has much more power than you realise. 

The hurt he caused you has never left you. Somewhere deep down you have catalogued his bad behaviour, his cruel words and his negative attitude and when meeting new guys you look for signs of these and freak out if he so much as loses his rag when the waitress bring him the wrong meal for the third time.

We are not robots, we cannot just switch feelings on and off. 

But if there is someone from the past who is still dictating your actions in the present then it’s time to detox him. Remove his number from your phone, delete his old messages and emails, delete the photos, learn to think of him objectively as just another man you once knew and get him down from that pedestal otherwise he will hold you back from that happy ending you dearly desire and deserve.

Are you ready to move on and repair the damage dine by the ex? Discover how to put yourself back out there with confidence and self-assurance knowing that you deserve on the very best. Click the image below to discover how...

I Don't Want To Live With In Laws

As a single Muslim woman over 30, searching for a spouse has become an increasingly arduous task. By the time you have reached 30+ you have become more and more your own person. You have created and nurtured your own life, surroundings and settings and in essence created your own nest. And it’s a wonderful thing!

Long gone are the days where you simply existed in your parental home until your marital home became you new abode. Many women are choosing an in-between stage in which so many adventures are happening. Instead of jumping from parental home to marital home they are rerouting via things like travelling, owning their own home, working towards a lucrative career to name but a few.

So the idea of marrying and settling into a home life with in-laws can seem almost like a step back rather than that all-important step forward.

For a lot of single women, it’s not the in-laws themselves who are the problem but rather the concept of living in a family home with cultural and social boundaries that they have not had to live by since they were teenagers. 

The thought of leaving a life where they are free to come and go, dress as they want, attend whatever social functions they want or just chill at home in pyjamas watching TV is one that fills single sisters with dread. 

And not because they feel they are somehow superior to living with in laws, but just because it is a lifestyle so alien to their current one . It feels like moving in with housemates rather than family because you are not a child acquiring new parents but a fully grown functioning adult woman moving in with other adults.

It is not uncommon to hear of marriages suffering , or indeed ending , due to the pressures of living with in laws. And I am not talking about the Indian soap opera mean mother-in-law stereotypes that drive a wedge between husband and wife. I am talking about a reasonable woman with perfectly lovely in laws who just cannot deal with the lifestyle connected to the extended family.

It’s easy to label such women as “arrogant” or “superior” believing that they are shunning our traditional ways . But really how traditional is it anymore? Is it fair to expect a woman to give up her entire lifestyle and enter into one she is not happy with just for the sake of being married? 

And no when i say lifestyle I don't mean that toxic stereotype of the “modern woman” who has no apparent respect for her culture, family or herself. I mean a woman who is a grown up adult with her own life that she has created for herself. That lifestyle. And what is the husband giving up in return?

To any sister out there in any doubt about living with the in laws I say be true to yourself. Living with the in laws works for a lot of women but also doesn’t work for many. Be honest about how it makes you feel and don’t judge yourself if it doesn’t feel right for you. 

Need a little boost to put yourself out there and confidently state your needs in a potential marriage? Click the image below to discover more...

What To Do When He Suddenly Disappears

I know you've done it, we all have. Phone next to you on the sofa or table, casting anxious glances every 2 minutes to see if that little Whatsapp circle is illuminated! Opening his chatbox, seeing he's online you start to write a message then stop. Then start, then stop.

Why?

Because he's suddenly stopped communicating with you. He's gone from regular messaging to zilch. Or maybe it went further than that, maybe you were even at the point where you had met and all was going great then whooosh he's disappeared quicker than the last samosa at iftaar.

Why is it so difficult to find a guy who actually knows what he wants and is serious about marriage??

This is THE most common issue I get asked about on a daily basis so to help you along here are 5 tips to help you deal this situation without compromising your dignity or turning into a furious  she-wolf!

Tip 1:  Assess  your expectations
 
It could be that you have only just met this guy and have only started to communicate recently. Even if you have sent 100+ texts in last 48 hours since meeting him (which I certainly don’t recommend!) it’s still a short period of time! In all honesty then sisters, as hard as it is to accept, he doesn’t really owe you any explanation for his disappearance. Leave it be. Continue with life as normal. Meet new guys. If he contacts you again you can decide whether or not you would like to continue where you left off. 
 
 Tip 2: Step out of your imagination
 
In your mind you are probably picturing him with his phone in his hand carelessly flicking past your messages, laughing demonically every time he sees your name pop up and telling his mates all about how much he hates you. Before you know it you've concocted a whole narrative to explain why he isn't replying. The truth is you don't know what the reason is and unless you've progressed to family-meeting stage, unfortunately there's not much you can do other than continue living life, getting out there, meeting people and being ready to receive the right guy (be it the one who is currently not texting you or otherwise).

Tip 3: Live
 
What were you doing before you met him? One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to put your life and world on pause and focus your entire attention on  communication with this guy because you believe he could be The One. I've heard of sisters totally rearranging evening and weekend plans to accommodate phone calls etc. only to have the guy suddenly disappear. Of course it's going to feel like a part of your life is missing if you've created significant space for a guy who has not yet earned it. Get back to what you were doing, live your life, keep busy.  Before you know it you've forgotten what you were even worrying about as you've given your self distance and gained clarity on the situation.

Tip 4: Reality check

I often hear from ladies who feel absolutely insulted because mid texting conversation frenzy he stopped talking to you . You scroll back up over the messages reading and re reading between the lines wondering what you could have said wrong. You take it as a personal affront that he could simply leave you hanging half way without so much as an explanation. Reality check: you live separate lives. Things happen that cause us to abandon our phones suddenly: someone at the door, a phone call on the house phone, an urgent errand or maybe he just needed a poo! Don't jump to conclusions just yet!

Tip 5: Move forward with dignity

The real desire is to "have it out with him" and demand to know why he disappeared like that when everything was going well. If you never even met or you met just once, don't do it. I know you want answers but demanding them is just a form of trying to control the situation.You can't control it. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing it affected you, let him feel outraged instead that you're not that bothered. Then do something nice for yourself and reward yourself for having had a lucky escape from such a thoughtless man!

Of course if things have gone further like you had talked about marriage, decided to move forward and  meet families etc.  then he just disappears.  feel free to send a polite message or email explaining  that you have noted his disappearance, you are not impressed by it and that you shall moving forward in your search and that you wish him the all the best (even if you don't really!)

The bottom line sisters is to listen to your female intuition and use your common sense.
 

 If he has a genuine reason for being too busy to contact you e.g. family bereavement, then maybe this isn’t the best time for either of you to be entering into marriage talks. It doesn’t make you heartless, it just means you are stepping back and taking care of yourself and also allowing him some space.

 The best course of action in this situation is just to step back, get some perspective and see what happens. Continue your search and don't put all your eggs into one basket until that basket has met your family and set a date for the wedding!

Has constant rejection left you feeling low  and doubting yourself from every angle? It's time to own your self-esteem again. Click the image below to discover how...